As I’m sure you know by now – Marian Gaborik (YYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY) and Donald Brashear (UGGGGGGGHHHHH) are Rangers, Dany Heatley is not, and most importantly of all, the Shoe has left for the greener pastures of Western Canada. Here’s a brief synposis of how it all went down yesterday on our boards. All quotes are the collective Rangerland chorus, unless otherwise noted.
A.M.: did we get Heatley yet?
12:00 p.m.: free agency starts! yay! it’s Christmas at Rangerland!
12:02 p.m.: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WHY HAVEN’T WE SIGNED ANYBODY YET
12:13 p.m.: Colton Orr to Toronto – $1M/year?!? ha ha, you can have him Burkie, you suck
2:08 p.m.: leedsy: Marian Hossa is going to knock up some chick when he gets to Chicago, that’s like the worst deal ever
2:56 p.m.: D….D….D….Brashear?!? OH NOOOOOOOO
2:57 p.m.: he is the worst human being ever
2:58 p.m.: he will eat Betts’ children in the locker room
2:59 p.m.: he is a despicable person and a disgrace to hockey…how will he ever get along with Sean Avery
3:00 p.m.: leeedsy: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahahahahaha enjoy all of that cap space you freed up by trading Gomez, chumps
3:01 p.m.: I hate this team
3:02 p.m.: seriously
3:30 p.m.: …
4:00 p.m.: seriously, I fucking hate Brashear
4:30 p.m.: what the hell is Slats thinking ugh I hate this team
5:00 p.m.: no signings yet, this isn’t good
5:10 p.m.: if they don’t sign anyone else we’ll be worse than the Islanders
5:20 p.m.: henrik will probably fake an injury so he doesn’t have to play for this team
5:32 p.m.: Cammalleri NOOOOOOOOOOOO (ed. note: approximately 1.2% of Rangerlanders have ever seen Mike Cammalleri play a game)
5:35 p.m.: seriously, this is the worst day ever
5:38 p.m.: I fucking hate this team
6:30 p.m.: TSN reports that Chris Neil is contemplating offers from the Rangers, Leafs, and Oilers
6:31 p.m.: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
6:32 p.m.: please God no
6:33 p.m.: we may not score very many goals, but we will lead the league in felonious assaults
6:34 p.m.: what will Chris Drury and his $35M do now
6:35 p.m.: because Neil hit Drury once, that’s why I said that
6:45 p.m.: give us something Slats, Jesus
7:15 p.m.: we should sign Tanguay
7:20 p.m.: Rocha: his favorite movie is Gladiator, he sucks
7:30 p.m.: Gaborik…..?
7:45 p.m.: this sucks no UFAs like us and we’re never going to sign anyone
7:50 p.m.: They should bring back Jagr
7:51 p.m.: Mike: :wub:
8:05 p.m.: ha ha Gaborik’s Wikipedia page says he’s Batman and also a porn star
8:20 p.m.: TSN’s Darren Dreger reports that Marian Gaborik has signed with the Rangers for five years, at $5.75M/yr.
8:21 p.m.: WHAT
8:22 p.m.: HOLY FUCKING SHIT NO WAY THAT’S AMAZING
8:23 p.m.: leedsy: how?
8:24 p.m.: can’t be
8:25 p.m.: YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY
8:26 p.m.: he has two surgically repaired hips, so that means he’s going to score like 80 goals even though he has no center to pass to him
8:27 p.m.: Rocha: His favorite movie is Wedding Crashers?!? Mine too!!!
8:28 p.m.: Darren Dreger: oops sorry guys I meant $7.5M, I reversed the 5 and the 7, my bad
8:30 p.m.: ….
8:31 p.m.: eh who cares YAAAAAAAYYY Gabby
8:32 p.m.: leedsy: even though I have criticized every single thing the Rangers have done in the last 24 hours I am now OK with everything
8:42 p.m.: TSN reports that the Canadiens have signed Brian Gionta to a $25M, 5 year contract, and also a lifetime supply of oddly-shaped helmets to fit his oddly-shaped skull
8:43 p.m.: ha ha, you suck Gainey, and Lou you suck too
8:43 p.m.: TSN reports that Chris Neil has decided to stay in Ottawa
8:44 p.m.: YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY
8:45 p.m.: this is the greatest day of my life
9:03 p.m.: TSN reports that John Madden has signed with the Chicago Blackhawks
9:04 p.m.: yay the Devils will win like 30 games next year
9:26 p.m.: TSN reports that Fredrik Sjostrom has signed with the Calgary Flames
9:27 p.m.: OH NOOOOOOOO our PK is the only thing we’re good at
9:28 p.m.: and now it will suck and our season is doomed
9:29 p.m.: yeah especially if Brashear kills Betts in the locker room
9:30 p.m.: because Shoe and Betts were like the greatest PK duo ever, and that magic can never be replicated
9:32 p.m.: eh whatever…GABBY
10:00 p.m.: we can haz Heatley?
10:30 p.m.: come on, we want Heatley
10:31 p.m.: because one star forward with the potential to be colossally disappointing is one too few
10:45 p.m.: come on, Slats…HEATER
11:15: p.m.: tick tock Murray
11:57 p.m.: well Heatley is still a Senator…he refused to waive his NTC for a package that included a bunch of crap and Kevin Lowe’s first born child
11:58 p.m.: because having two hockey-mad Canadian cities hate him already wasn’t enough
11:59 p.m.: he’ll fit in here, because no one in New York cares about hockey
12:00 a.m.: …..?
