Listen. Come closer. I need to talk to you. Ok? Come a little closer and listen.
Not so close, please. OK, that’s good. Stay right there.
Do you want to know my dirty little secret? It pains me to reveal it here on this website. But, I must reveal. I hate loving the Rangers. I hate it. It’s excruciating. I hate loving them enough to want to parody them. Do you have any idea how much loving the Rangers hurts? They’re impossible to love properly. Every other fan in hockey has it better than we do. “Surely you jest, Calvin!” you might exclaim. I do, because this is Rangerland, where we must jest to survive; but mostly, I do not. Consider the rest of the NHL.
Bruins and Blackhawks fans had (and have, 50% of the time) an owner who entombed their fanships for money, and have thusly been rewarded with a promising and exciting core. Where are the Kanes, the Krejcis, the Kessels, the Keiths of the Rangers? (Also the Toewseses, but that is not alliterative.) Nowhere. We have a maddeningly delightful goalie, a younger brother who we can only wish will become the same kind of winner as his older siblings, and… who? Overpriced free agents? Gutsy but low-scoring assets acquired in trades? Ryan Callahan? Feh. This is not a core.
But what of the dregs of the NHL, the Lightnings and the Islanders and the Coyotes? Yes, these teams are miserable, and sickly, and worthy of euthanasia, but at least one of these teams has won a Cup, and every year they get the excitement of a top 5 pick, who they might yet get to watch be crushed under the pressure of expectations, or blossom into a talented and successful player in some other city. When was the last time you wistfully wiped away a tear and thought “Manny Malhotra, you dynamo – you could’ve been ours.” Yes, some people do this over Mike York, but they are stupid.
What of the long-suffering in the NHL, like the Flyers and the Leafs? At least these teams’ fans are permitted to nail themselves to the cross of a championship drought. While their fans still long for another hoisting of the Cup, is there any question that were on of these teams to win the Cup tomorrow, their fans would experience that glorious euphoria we Rangers fans once tasted in 1994, while Rangers fans would merely mutter that it’s about time Sather did something right. Look to other sports – Red Sox fans long ago parlayed eternal suffering into insufferable arrogance! How could we Rangers fans hope to reach those sorts of crowing heights? And do we really want to wait another 20 years before we can at least hit “long-deprived fan” status?
No, these are dark times to be a Rangers fan. Not bad enough to foster true gallows humor or wild-eyed #1 pick optimism; not good enough to warrant optimism at all. When we mock Ryan Hollweg, do we truly mock his awful contributions to this team, or do we merely attempt to hide from the truth that he actually played some sort of role on the Rangers? (Correct answer: yes.) How can anyone truly look upon a team that considers the likes of Dmitri Kalinin to be a pre-season upgrade and laugh?
As such, I submit to you – in order to maintain my sanity in this precarious summer, I must look elsewhere. We will still be here for you to make sure you stay apprised of important Ranger developments like the catch of a 14 lb. cod, or the signing of another soul-killing free agent, or brief interviews with Rangers personnel that are totally true; but then again, I might just have to talk to and joke with you about other teams in the NHL, or heaven help us, other sports. I hope you bear with me.
*wipes a tear from his cheek*
That was beautiful, man.
Never being bad enough to garner a top 5 draft pick is truly frustrating! I suppose that being true the Rangers have never been one of worst teams in the league.
Mediocrity is depressing.