Capf*cked ‘09 – Part 2

By
Derek
Published: June 30, 2009Posted in: Rangers
Capf*cked ‘09 – Part 2

As promised, here is the conclusion to our free agent preview.

Alex Kovalev (Sed)
The Godfather 3.
Superman III (AKA “The One With Richard Pryor”).
Spider-Man 3.
Star Trek: The Search For Spock.
The Matrix: Revolutions.
Police Academy 3: Back In Training.

If these films have proven nothing else, it is that the third time is indeed the charm. In each case, these films are revered as the pinnacles of their respective series. What does this have to do with the Rangers?

Alexei Kovalev is an unrestricted free agent this summer!

He’s a really tempting target; he would appear to have regained his scoring touch over the past season or two, and God knows that the Rangers need scoring. He’s an electrifying presence when he’s on his game, and the Rangers could use that sizzle too. On paper, he sounds like he’d be perfect for a return to New York, filling a critical need…

…which means that after the Rangers sign him this summer, he’ll be struck by the hockey equivalent of a cartoon anvil, leading to scoring amnesia. The only known cure is a trade out of New York (see also Nedved, Petr). Get your trolls ready, gang – AK27 is back like Kirstie Alley’s muumuus!

Daniel & Henrik Sedin (Leedsy)
Normally the idea of Swedish twins is the stuff of legend in the VIP room at the Sapphire Club, but then I remember that we’re talking about two dudes and my chubby goes south faster than the Wade Redden signing. Why do we even like twins anyway? Name one good set of twins. The Barbarian Brothers? Tomax and Xamot from GI Joe? Alex Ovechkin and the alien fetus that burst out of John Hurt’s chest? No thanks. Most of the reason why human cloning is illegal is to protect humanity from another Sean Avery.

So here’s my idea for the Sedin twins and free agency: Just sign one. Sign one and turn him into the evil one. Make him grow a goatee, die it black, and have him start speaking in a weird accent. Also, for all his interviews, he sits in a swivel chair with his back to the camera and then suddenly turns while dramatic music plays. Maybe he strokes a white cat. Anyway, I’d probably pay about $7 million for an evil Sedin twin. But $15 million for two nerdy goofs with foreheads as big as drive-in movie screens? Ugh ugh.

Mats Sundin (Mike B.)
Mats Sundin: Will he or won’t he? What is going on in that giant cranium of his? Will he keep the writers and fans guessing again, holding out until the last minute, enticing the few, frustrating and annoying the many? We are talking of course, of the Domed One’s decision to sign up for another year with PokerStars.net and their online tournaments. As for whether he ever plays hockey again, fuck it. The Rangers are so desperate for goals right now, they can’t be picky, even if that means signing a 38-year-old, rapidly slowing center, who alienated virtually the entire fan base in Vancouver within a week of signing there. Go get him, Slats!

Jay Bouwmeester (Calvin)
He’s young! He’s talented! He’s durable! He scores goals and takes shots! Clearly not the kind of player the Rangers would target in free agency.

Mike Cammalleri (Jen C.)
calamari

Who doesn’t like calamari? The best is when you get that initial crunch when you bite into it and then it just melts in your mouth. Serve it with a little marinara, and it’s just the perfect meal. Of course, there’s the big debate over the legs. I personally like the legs.

Wait, what? You wanted me to write about a hockey player? Mike Cammalleri? Not calamari? Oh.

Cammalleri—whose nickname incidentally is “Squid”—has had two 80+ point seasons. Not elite status for a forward, but who exactly on this team is “elite”? He’d fit right in.

Now if you excuse me, I need to go track down some calamari.

Brian Gionta (Greg)

Because the Rangers have such a long-standing history of former Devils taking the team to the next level!

That’s all for now, folks! Hope you enjoy Wednesday as much as we do. And by “enjoy,” I mean “dread because you know Sather will somehow find a way to fuck it up…again.”