Capf*cked ‘09 – Part 1

By
Derek
Published: June 28, 2009Posted in: Rangers
Capf*cked ‘09 – Part 1

Ahh, it’s that time of year again! The time when all Rangers fans put everything on hold and stare at their TV sets and computer screens all day in hopeful anxiety. No, it’s not the playoffs, it’s free agent season! For the next week or so, Blueshirt fans across the world will become armchair GMs and bicker about who Sather should sign, who he should pass on, and how depressingly little cap space the Rangers actually have. To prepare for the annual spending spree, our esteemed group of writers spent hours (okay, minutes) researching potential suitors and have collaborated to bring you the best free agent preview on the web.

Marian Gaborik (Rocha)
Following in the grand New York Rangers tradition of taking big gambles on talented players who are incredibly tempting but have one major flaw so obvious and pronounced that even Mike Milbury would shake his head and walk away, Gaborik and his outright passion for getting injured will slot in very nicely on Broadway following in the footsteps of Lindros and his concussions, Bure and his knee, Fleury and his booze and Kovalev and… whatever the hell his problem was. The Rangers will clear all sorts of cap room and decent players to sign Marian for six seasons at 7 million per, and he’ll play parts of two and a half seasons before retiring with full-blown knee AIDS.

Marian Hossa (Jerry)
Marian Hossa is a UFA again. After losing in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Again.

So where does Marian go from here? He probably wants to stay with a contender, preferably Detroit, but does a contender want him now? I’m fairly certain that Hossa is close to officially getting the Kiss of Death Seal of Approval from whatever trade magazine issues it. Is it Good Housekeeping? I dunno. My wife gets it but I don’t bother touching it. Anyway, where will Marian end up? A quick check of Yahoo’s Player charts shows me Hossa put up 40 goals. Yay! But only 71 points. Aww. He did put up 23 power play points. Yay! But it was the lowest total in his last 5 seasons. Awww. Anyway you slice it, Hossa has never played for a winner. Sure some of his teams have had regular season success but relatively little in the post season. The two teams that have gone deep in the post season, this year’s Red Wings and last years Penguins, were pretty well stacked without him so really, did he make that much of a difference? I guess what I’m trying to say here is that Hossa is rapidly becoming a jinx and I think the league is going to start catching on real soon. So you hear me all you GM’s out there? Hossa will ruin your teams. Now, the Rangers are already a mess so I’ll volunteer them to take the hit by signing Hossa. Marian. Not Marcel. We tried that one already. Anywho. See ya’s July 1st!

Mike Komisarek (Derek)
Oh, joy! Finally, the dreams of the Garden regulars can come true this summer! That hard-hitting, stay at home defenseman which has become so rare in the post-lockout NHL is FINALLY on the market. Rangers fans will love Komisarek’s good defensive play and bone-crushing hits if Sather can nab him this summer. They’ll adore that he’s a hometown guy getting to put on the Blueshirt. However, that love and adoration will be turned into blind, unforgiving rage when Mikey and his $5M cap hit turn 30 and stop hitting people altogether. As his plus/minus drifts deep into the negative zone during the second half of his contract, his touching of the puck will be met with a chorus of boos at the Garden. Message board-goers will demand he be traded or sent to the minors as to make room for another overpriced free agent, and the cycle of frustration will start all over again.

Martin Havlat (Calvin)
Well, it was bound to happen. The Eggshell King finally stayed healthy for a full season and looked fantastic in the process. Of course, let’s review his games played totals in the last four seasons (aka the post lockout era): 18, 56, 35, 81. Not exactly the picture of health. The man is doubtlessly a talent to be reckoned with; the question is, do we want to be playing him on our team? Let me ask my friend and fellow fantasy hockey owner Frank how he feels about Mr. Havlat’s health: “GYARAGHARHAHRAHGHGHGHHG!” Oops. Not a ringing endorsement. Then again, the last player I felt ambivalent about like this was another Martin, Mr. Straka. And that turned out OK. You know what? Fuck it. Let’s sign the guy. Either we get a bonafide talent in the prime of his career, or we get another cap albatross to whine about. Win win.

Alex Tanguay (Murray)
2001. Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Alex Tanguay nets two goals en route to a 3-1 win over the Devils. Now, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if we can reunite Tanguay and Chris Drury we will have assembled exactly 10% of that dynamic, dangerous team which would most definitely result in a taste of Stanley Pie on Broadway. Sure, we’re missing two of the best centers in recent memory in Sakic and Forsberg, an incredibly talented defensive corps. and the greatest goaltender of all time, but that 10% we can get is better than 95% of the current Rangers lineup. Tanguay is a career .88 point per game player playmaker on a team that is desperate for goals, so there’s no reason not to keep pounding that square peg into that round hole. What’s Ray Bourque up to these days?

Keep your eyes peeled for Capf*cked ‘09 – Part 2, which will be posted on Tuesday morning for your reading (dis)pleasure.