With the real NHL awards show is going on tonight in Las Vegas, I thought I would do something a little less boring. Who cares who the Most “Valuable” Player in the league is, or which goalie is “the best” at his position? You can use a stat sheet to figure those out. The NHL Awards are just used as a front to bring the league’s young stars out to Sin City and get completely trashed for a few days (insert joke about Malkin, Ovechkin, and vodka here). And frankly, hasn’t the whole thing become a bit of a joke when there’s a trophy called the Mark Messier Leadership Award?
I say it’s time to spice things up with the NHL Awards, so I thought of a few that they should try adding to the list, and even nominated players and picked winners myself! Let’s begin.
Claude Lemieux Award
This award goes to the player who is judged to be the biggest douchebag in the entire league. Throughout the course of the season, they showed no regard whatsoever for the douchiness of their actions. Whether it was their play on the ice or their comments in the locker room, this player showed that they feared crossing no line, even if it meant the entire league plotting to kill them.
Nominees:
Steve Ott, C, Dallas Stars
Sean Avery, LW, New York Rangers/Dallas Stars
Jarkko Ruutu, LW, Ottawa Senators
Winner: Sean Avery
George Parros Trophy
The player receiving this award has to show unfaltering dedication to growing the nastiest, stupidest looking facial hair they possibly can. They must suffer through snide remarks from members of the media like, “Jesus, has this guy gone through puberty yet?” or “He looks like that child molester I saw on America’s Most Wanted last night.” What separates a George Parros Trophy winner from the pack is complete obliviousness to how retarded their “facial hair” is; they actually think it looks good!
Nominees:
Sidney Crosby, C, Pittsburgh Penguins
Marc-Andre Fleury, G, Pittsburgh Penguins
Ian White, D, Toronto Maple Leafs
Winner: Sidney Crosby
Marek Malik Trophy
This award goes to the defenseman who best displays the qualities of not destroying their opponents in open ice à la Scott Stevens and Niklas Kronwall, unfortunately misplaying the puck in their own zone once in a while, and being an overpaid European. This player receives merciless booing from their home crowd and can usually be found as a “throw-in” in proposed trades on fan message boards.
Nominees:
Michal Rozsival, New York Rangers
Dmitri Kalinin, Phoenix Coyotes/New York Rangers
Wade Redden, New York Rangers (he’s Canadian, which is close enough to European)
Please note: nominations only came for players who spent time with the Rangers this year because their fans are the only ones who relentlessly boo their own players.
Winner: Wade Redden
Joe Thornton Award
A true Herculean effort is required to take home this prestigious trophy, which goes to the player who chokes most horrifically in the playoffs. When everything was on the line, this player crumbled like a cracker under the foot of an elephant. When their team was looking for them to score a big goal or make a big save, they disappeared like Amelia Earhart flying over the Pacific. They made fans cheer in the regular season and slit their wrists in the postseason. They are truly the biggest losers in the NHL.
Nominees:
Patrick Marleau, C, San Jose Sharks
Martin Brodeur, G, New Jersey Devils
Marian Hossa, RW, Detroit Red Wings
Winner: Marian Hossa
Ryan Hollweg Trophy
The most coveted trophy in the Dr. D Awards, this award goes to the least valuable player in the entire National Hockey League. They showcased a complete lack of scoring touch, defensive prowess, and overall likability. They strike anger into the souls of fans every time they step foot on the ice. Internet message boards are flooded with comments such as “I can’t believe Coach So-and-So gives this guy a single second of ice time. He’s not even good enough to be in the ECHL!” and “I would rather strap ice skates on a duck and put him out there instead of this guy,” when they aren’t announced as a healthy scratch. In sum, this player is a complete and total assclown.
Nominees:
Ryan Hollweg, LW, Toronto Maple Leafs
Andrew Peters, LW, Buffalo Sabres
Cam Janssen, RW, St. Louis Blues
Winner: Ryan Hollweg
That’s all for now, folks. I hope you enjoyed the first installment of Dr. D’s NHL Awards. If you have any suggestions for another award, are outraged at my nominees and winners, or just want to harass me for no reason, head over to the forums and speak your mind!
By the by, hat tip goes to Jen C. for mentioning the NHL Awards being tonight and inspiring me to write this up.
This sucks
Nice work D
“Please note: nominations only came for players who spent time with the Rangers this year because their fans are the only ones who relentlessly boo their own players.”
Never been to a Flyers game, eh? I actually kind of miss booing Hatcher anytime he touched the puck. Luckily I can still do it on my Xbox.
So the Flyers booed their Hatcher every time he touched the puck too, perhaps we aren’t all that different.
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