Several readers wrote in following my season preview for the Dallas Stars to report that my preview was full of facts and truths. “Are we paying you to inform us or to entertain us?” these indignant readers wanted to know. Actually, you are not paying any of us anything at all, except perhaps Brian and that has more to do with paternity issues than anything else. You, dear reader, are accordingly in receipt of information provided entirely free of charge and it should warm your cockles to know that each and every one of these season previews is a labor of love. And what is love if not capricious?
But warm cockles are cold comfort for the anxious fan trying to mentally prepare himself for the coming season or the general manager seeking insider information on his opponents via the Internet. Well, your concerns have not fallen on deaf ears dear readers. Here then are some pieces of information that may interest or frighten you in a column I like to call:
WERE YOU AWARE OF THE FACT THAT…
- Atlanta burned for 7 days following the Rangers’ crushing defeat of the Thrashers in the most humiliating fashion possible during the 2007 Eastern Conference Quarter Finals.
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- Eric Boulton accepted a lower salary to play in Georgia where it is legal to marry your sister.
- Bobby Holik, though a Czech himself, is filled with a burning hatred for all things and people Czech. Also, his real name is Robert.
- Ilia Kovulchuk is called Kid Dynamo by the owner and manager of my fantasy hockey team based on his ability to run up mad stats which should finally allow me to crush that Robert Slencak motherfucker.
- Thrashers’ goaltender Kari Lehtonen actually plays for the Dallas Stars
- Vyacheslav Kozlov is one of two remaining players in the NHL still sporting mutton chops under a grandfather clause written into the 2003 regulation banning mutton chop sideburns, handlebar mustasches and “all other facial hair deemed significantly startling and/or indicative of loose moral fiber.”
- Marian Hossa’s son Marcel plays for the New York Rangers and was instrumental in the public humiliation of his father during the 2007 playoffs.
- Center Alexandre Giroux’s name is derived from the French for “Rooster” and that he was so named for his childhood habit of waking the neighbors by putting his cock in their ears.
WERE YOU PREVIOUSLY AWARE OF THESE FACTS?!
As if the knowledge imparted above was not enough to prove my love to you, noble reader, I will further provide the following summaries of Notable Additions and Losses, along with a chillingly accurate Prediction of what the coming season holds in store for The Atlanta Thrashers.
Notable Additions
Joel Kwiatkowski
Jason Krog
New Reebok jerseys
Moonshine
Notable Losses
Keith Tkachuk
Scott Mellanby
Greg deVries
Hope
Prediction
I predict that half the team will commit suicide by December while the remaining half spiral into madness and Cthulhu worship.
I tip my cap to you, good sir.
If you’re good, I’ll put my cock in your ear later.